Once there was a time when young scallys wore parkas, gazelles, cords and skin tight adidas….not for anything other than the love of being part of something bigger, a dream; a dream of belonging and that no matter what was going on in your life there was a presence of bursting crystalline guitar, greasy curly hair, anthemic choruses and the rebel-rousing live edition of top of the pops on a Thursday night and that was indie. Yeah, it isn’t rock, but it belonged to us, the kids who looked to Power, Gallagher, Brown & Squier, Frischmann, Witter, Marr, Morrissey, Sumner….fuck it, even Albarn and saw it was good.

Parachutes marked a turning point in the journey of indie music and indeed music. It was the day Britpop well and truly died. We accept that nothing lasts forever, but we don’t accept the weak strainings from a damp, musty tea towel, now bought from John Lewis that replaced it.

Coldplay were created in a lab – They were in fact the creation of a focus group aiming at the paper thin fragility of the newly arising beta male, the sort of person who looks like Mark Zuckerberg, the man who cries after wanking about his ex-girlfriend, the boy who was bullied by the school jock, the man who wails about the environment shortly before buying a Volvo 4×4, a man who wears a gilet. Their fans wear a straw hat and learn the uke-fucking-lele in substitute for a personality and vote for Cameron-ite Tories and probably went to Wimbledon. And enjoyed it.

So, to help you to get to know Coldplay I have devised an impartial quiz for you

The “Chris Martin is a nerd who worries about the unhygienic process of sexual intercourse and washes his hands after” quiz

True or false..?

  1. Their first EP was released in 1998
  2. Chris Martin and Johnny Buckland met during their ‘orientation week’ at UCL
  3. They wanted to call their band Pectoralz.
  4. The band determined they would fire anyone who used hard drugs.
  5. Chris Martin is a relative to at least 2 conservative politicians
  6. They once said a thing
  7. Coldplay share links with fellow edgy indie rockers Keane.
  8. Chris Martin once had a drink knocked over by a brickie in a pub.
  9. Coldplay made their live debut at a garden centre in Milton Keynes
  10. American tourists think Chris Martin is a fictional character similar to Harry Potter and is used in children’s stories to reassure young infants with anxiety and bedwetting conditions.

(Answers below)


What more is there to say other than there are warmed up greetings card lyrics, the Henman-like fist made when singing the rousing choruses fall like a wet flannel over an ill child’s head.

Look at the stars, Look how they shine for you, And everything you do

It is the male equivalent of the ‘life, love, laugh’ paraphernalia on the walls of women’s houses.

What is their impact on music other than to create something to play over the loudspeaker at B&Q on a Sunday afternoon? Or to have the horrendous sight of Londoners at Glastonbury in expensive wellies singing along like the radio 1 equivalent of American tourists at an Andrew Lloyd Webber musical.

But what this album is more than anything is the passing of the baton from the foot on monitor, the burly hairy-chested, sweat-ridden drummer, the action hero, the gratuitous widdle solo, confrontational front men, cowboy boots, double denim, TVs being launched from windows, wagon wheels, TFI Friday….replaced by nice people who take picnics from Waitrose to a local public park and have a nice afternoon listening to Coldplay.


Song of the album: Don’t panic

Rating; 2/5

  1. TRUE Safety EP. It didn’t chart.
  2. TRUE Chris went there after going to prep and boarding school. They all went to Red brick Russell Group Unis. Chris Martin graduated in Greek and Latin.
  3. TRUE Later changed to Starfish then to Coldplay.
  4. TRUE. Chris also stamped his rock star authority on the band by making it a voting democracy.
  5. TRUE It also means he is still nursed at the teet by his nanny
  6. FALSE No one in Coldplay have never said anything of interest, joy or of red blooded macho, gritty impassioned wit
  7. TRUE They also spawn with Hollywood actresses who write self help books based on questionable colonic practices.
  8. TRUE The brickie chuckled as he was leaving and Chris martin a song about the environmental impact of modern architectural design as a scathing revenge
  9. FALSE Their fellow Oxford educated manager got them gigs in Camden. Small ones.
  10. TRUE The children are reassured to know that adults are in a similar situation and are soothed by the non-threatening saccharine beige

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